Humor

A newly married man asked his wife, ' Would you have married me if my father hadn' t left me a fortune? '

' Honey, the woman replied sweetly, I ' d have married you, NO MATTER WHO LEFT YOU A FORTUNE! '



Girl to her boyfriend: One kiss and I ' ll be yours forever .

The guy replies: ' Thanks for the early warning. '



A wife asked her husband: ' What do you like most in me, my pretty face or my sexy body? '

He looked at her from head to toe and replied: ' I like your sense of humour. '

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Top Ten Messages Left on Eliot Spitzer's Answering Machine

10.    Hey, what's new?
9.    It's Barack Obama. Remember our conversation about being my running mate? Never mind.
8.    Ralph Nader here; glad to hear I'm not the only politician who has to pay for it.
7.    I'm calling from the New York Post. Would you rather be known as 'Disgraced Gov Perv' or 'Humiliated Whore Fiend?'
6.    This is John McCain.  If it makes you feel better, I once got caught having sex with Lincoln's wife.
5.    It's Dr. Phil.  Call me if you need any horse**** advice.
4.    This is Senator Larry Craig.  Do you ever go through the Minneapolis airport?
3.    It's Wolf Blitzer. Call me if you ever want a hot Spitzer-Blitzer three way.
2.    Paris Hilton here. I would have done it for free.
1.    It's Arnold Schwarzenegger.  Thanks, I'm no longer America's creepiest governor.

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We've all heard about people having "Guts" and "Balls", but do you really know the difference between them?  There is a medical distinction between having "Guts" and "Balls."

In an effort to keep you informed, the definitions are listed below:


GUTS - Is arriving home late after a night out with the guys, being met by your wife with a broom, and asking:

'Are you still cleaning, or are you flying somewhere?'


BALLS - Is coming home late after a night out with the guys, smelling of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the bum and saying:

'You're next.'


I hope this clears up any confusion on the definitions.

Medically speaking, there is no difference in the outcome, since both ultimately result in death.

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A man with a gun goes into a bank and demands their money. Once he
is given the money, he turns to a customer and asks, "Did you see me
rob this bank?"

The man replied, "Yes sir, I did."

The robber then shot him in the temple, killing him instantly.

He then turned to a couple standing nearby and asked the man, "Did you see me rob this bank?"

The man replied, "No sir, I didn't, but my wife did."

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Subject: Frank Feldman


A  man walks into the street and manages to get a taxi just going  by. He gets into the taxi, and the cabbie says, "Perfect timing. You're just like Frank."

Passenger: "Who?"

Cabbie: "Frank Feldman. He's a guy who did everything right all the time. Like my coming along when you needed a cab, things happened like that to Frank Feldman every single  time."

Passenger: "There are always a few clouds over everybody."

Cabbie: "Not Frank Feldman. He was a terrific athlete. He could have won the Grand-Slam at tennis. He could golf with the pros. He sang like an Opera baritone and danced like a Broadway star and you should have heard him play the piano. He was an amazing guy."

Passenger: "Sounds like he was something really special.

Cabbie: "There's more... He had a memory like a computer; could remem ber everybody's birthday. He knew all about wine, which foods to order and which fork to eat them with. He could fix anything. Not like me. I change a fuse, and the whole street blacks out. But Frank Feldman, he could do everything right."

Passenger. "Wow, some  guy then."

Cabbie: "He always knew the quickest way to go in traffic and avoid traffic jams. Not like me, I always seem to get stuck in them. But Frank, he never made a mistake and he really knew how to treat a woman and make her feel good.   He would never answer her back even if she was in the wrong; and his clothing was always immaculate, shoes highly po lished too -  he was the perfect man. He never m ade a mistake. No one could ever measure up to Frank Feldman ."

Passenger: "An  amazing fellow. How did you meet him?"

Cabbie: "Well, I never actually met Frank. I just married his damn widow."

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Two little boys, ages 8 and 10, were excessively mischievous. They were
always getting into trouble and their parents knew all about it.

If any mischief occurred in their town, the two boys were probably involved.

The boys' mother heard that a preacher in town had been successful in
disciplining children, so she asked if he would speak with her boys.

The preacher agreed, but he asked to see them individually. So the
mother sent the 8 year old first, in the morning, with the older boy to see the preacher in the afternoon.

The preacher, a huge man with a booming voice, sat the younger boy down and asked him sternly, "Do you know where God is, son?"

The boy's mouth dropped open, but he made no response, sitting there
wide-eyed with his mouth hanging open.

So the preacher repeated the question in an even sterner tone, "Where
is God?"

Again, the boy made no attempt to answer. The preacher raised his voice

even more and shook his finger in the boy's face and bellowed, "Where is
God?"

The boy screamed and bolted from the room, ran directly home and dove
into his closet, slamming the door behind him.

When his older brother found him in the closet, he asked, "What
happened?"

The younger brother, gasping for breath, replied, "We are in BIG trouble
this time,"

"GOD is missing, and they think we did it!

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