Humor

Can you spot the impostors?

               

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Who_Dont_Belong.zip (481 KB)

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Two Texans are sitting on a plane from Dallas and an old Jewish Texan is sitting between them.

The first Texan says, "My name is Roger. I own 250,000 acres. I have 1,000 head of cattle and they call my place 'The Jolly Roger'."

The second Texan says, "My name is John. I own 350,000 acres. I have 5,000 head of cattle and they call my place 'Big John's'."

They both look down at the Jewish man who says, "My name is Irving and I own only 300 acres."

Roger looks down at him and say, "300 Acres? What do you raise?"

"Nothing" Irving says.

"Well then, what do you call it?" Asked John.

"Downtown Dallas."

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Dan was a single guy living at home with his father and working in the family  business.
When he found out he was going to inherit a fortune when his sickly father died, he decided he needed a wife with which to share his fortune.
One  evening at an investment meeting he spotted the most  beautiful woman he had ever seen.
Her natural beauty took his breath away.
"I may look like just an ordinary man," he said to her, "but in  just a few years, my father will die, and I'll inherit $65 million."
Impressed, the woman obtained his business card and three days later, she  became... his stepmother.

Women are so much better at financial planning than men.

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A nice, calm and respectable lady went into the pharmacy, walked up to the pharmacist, looked straight into his eyes, and said, "I would like to buy some cyanide."

The pharmacist asked, "Why in the world do you need cyanide?"

The lady replied, "I need it to poison my husband."

The pharmacist's eye got big and he exclaimed, "Lord have mercy! I can't give you cyanide to kill your husband. That's against the law! I'll lose my license!
They'll throw both of us in jail!  Absolutely not! You CANNOT have any cyanide!"

The lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband in bed with the pharmacist's wife.

The pharmacist looked at the picture and replied, "Well now, that's different. You didn't tell me you had a prescription."

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According to a news report, a certain private school in Washington was recently faced with a unique problem. A number of 12-year-old girls were beginning to use lipstick and would put it on in the bathroom. That was fine, but after they put on their lipstick they would press their lips to the mirror leaving dozens of little lip prints.

Every night the maintenance man would remove them and the next day the girls would put them back. Finally the principal decided that something had to be done. She called all the girls to the bathroom and met them there with the maintenance man.

She explained that all these lip prints were causing a major problem for the custodian who had to clean the mirrors every night (you can just imagine the ya wns from the little princesses). To demonstrate how difficult it had been to clean the mirrors, she asked the maintenance man to show the girls how much effort was required.

He took out a long-handled squeegee, dipped it in the toilet, and cleaned the mirror with it.

Since then, there have been no lip prints on the mirror.

There are teachers.... And then there are educators.

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"This is worse than a divorce - lost half my net worth and still have my wife"

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Recently a routine police patrol parked outside a bar in
Austin, Texas after last call the officer noticed a man leaving the
bar so apparently intoxicated that he could barely walk.

The man stumbled around the parking lot for a few minutes, with the
officer quietly observing. After what seemed an eternity in which he
tried his keys on five different vehicles, the man managed to find his
car and fall into it.

He sat there for a few minutes as a number of other patrons left the
bar and drove off.

Finally he started the car, switched the wipers on and off–it was a
fine, dry summer night–, flicked the blinkers on and off a couple of
times, honked the horn and then switched on the lights.

He moved the vehicle forward a few inches, reversed a little and then
remained still for a few more minutes as some more of the other
patrons’ vehicles left.

At last, when his was the only car left in the parking lot, he pulled
out and drove slowly down the road.

The police officer, having waited patiently all this time, now started
up his patrol car, put on the flashing lights, promptly pulled the man
over and administered a Breathalyzer test.

To his amazement, the Breathalyzer indicated no evidence that the man
had consumed any alcohol at all!

Dumbfounded, the officer said, I’ll have to ask you to accompany me to
the police station.

This Breathalyzer equipment must be broken.’

‘I doubt it,’ said the truly proud Redneck. ‘Tonight I’m the
designated decoy.’

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