Humor

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Mommy_s_Little_Helper.mpg (2309 KB)

Just trying to help out around the kitchen.

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On a flight getting ready to depart for Detroit...

 Jack was sitting on the plane when a guy took the
 seat beside him. The guy was an emotional wreck,
 he was pale and his hands were shaking.
 "What's the matter?" Jack asked.

 "I've been transferred to Detroit, there's crazy people there. They've got
 lots of shootings, gangs, race riots, drugs, poor public schools, and the
 highest crime rate."

 Jack replied, "I've lived in Detroit all my life. It's not
 as bad as the media says. Find a nice home, go to
 work, mind your own business, enroll your kids in
 a nice private school. It's as safe a place as
 anywhere in the world."

 The guy relaxed and stopped shaking and said, "Oh,
 thank you. I've been worried to death. But if you live there and say it's
 OK, I'll take your word for it. What do you do for a living?"

 "Me?" said Jack. "I'm a tail gunner on a Budweiser truck."

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1. In my many years I have come to a conclusion that one useless man is a shame, two is a law firm and three or more is a congress.

-- John Adams

2. If you don't read the newspaper you are uninformed, if you do read the newspaper you are misinformed.

-- Mark Twain

3. Suppose you were an idiot. And suppose you were a member of Congress. But then I repeat myself.

-- Mark Twain

4. I contend that for a nation to try to tax itself into prosperity is like a man standing in a bucket and trying to lift himself up by the handle .

-- Winston Churchill

5. A government which robs Peter to pay Paul can always depend on the support of Paul.

-- George Bernard Shaw

6. A liberal is someone who feels a great debt to his fellow man, which debt he proposes to pay off with your money.

-- G. Gordon Liddy

7. Democracy must be something more than two wolves and a sheep voting on what to have for dinner.

-- James Bovard, Civil Libertarian (1994)

8. Foreign aid might be defined as a transfer of money from poor people in rich countries to rich people in poor countries.

-- Douglas Casey, Classmate of Bill Clinton at Georgetown University

9. Giving money and power to government is like giving whiskey and car keys to teenage boys.

-- P.J. O'Rourke, Civil Libertarian

10. Government is the great fiction, through which everybody endeavors to live at the expense of everybody else.

-- Frederic Bastiat, French Economist (1801-1850)

11.. Government's view of the economy could be summed up in a few short phrases: If it moves, tax it. If it keeps moving, regulate it. And if it stops moving, subsidize it.

-- Ronald Reagan (1986)

12. I don't make jokes. I just watch the government and report the facts.

-- Will Rogers

13. If you think health care is expensive now, wait until you see what it costs when it's free!

-- P.J. O'Rourke

14. In general, the art of government consists of taking as much money as possible from one party of the citizens to give to the other.

-- Voltaire (1764)

15. Just because you do not take an interest in politics doesn't mean politics won't take an interest in you!

-- Pericles (430 B.C.)

16. No man's life, liberty, or property is safe while the legislature is in session.

-- Mark Twain (1866)

17. Talk is cheap...except when Congress does it.

-- Anonymous

18. The government is like a baby's alimentary canal, with a happy appetite at one end and no responsibility at the other.

-- Ronald Reagan

19. The inherent vice of capitalism is the unequal sharing of the blessings. The inherent blessing of socialism is the equal sharing of misery.

-- Winston Churchill

20. The only difference between a tax man and a taxidermist is that the taxidermist leaves the skin.

-- Mark Twain

21. The ultimate result of shielding men from the effects of folly is to fill the world with fools.

-- Herbert Spencer, English Philosopher (1820-1903)

 22. There is no distinctly native American criminal class...save Congress.

-- Mark Twain

23. What this country needs are more unemployed politicians.

-- Edward Langley, Artist (1928-1995)

24. A government big enough to give you everything you want, is strong enough to take everything you have.

-- Thomas Jefferson

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Three contractors are bidding to fix a broken fence at the White
House. One is from Chicago , another is from Tennessee , and the third
is from Minnesota .

All three go with a White House official to examine the fence. The
Minnesota contractor takes out a tape measure and does some measuring,
then works some figures with a pencil.

"Well," he says, "I figure the job will run about $900: $400 for
materials, $400 for my crew and $100 profit for me."

The Tennessee contractor also does some measuring and figuring, then
says, "I can do this job for $700: $300 for materials, $300 for my
crew and $100 profit for me."

The Chicago contractor doesn't measure or figure, but leans over to
the White House official and whispers, "$2,700."

The official, incredulous, says, "You didn't even measure like the
other guys! How did you come up with such a high figure?"

The Chicago contractor whispers b back, "$1000 for me, $1000 for you,
and we hire the guy from Tennessee to fix the fence."

"Done!" replies the government official.

And that, my friends, is how the new stimulus plan will work!

---
an  oldie but goodie, hey it keeps up with the times....
---

"Want to be a great conversationalist? Talk less, listen more and ask questions as opposed to providing answers for questions not asked, it works :)" - Wayne Turner

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Medicare In A Nutshell

The phone rings and the lady of the house answers, "Hello."

"Mrs. Ward, please."

"Speaking."

"Mrs. Ward, this is Doctor Jones at the Medical Testing Laboratory.
When your doctor sent your husband's biopsy to the lab yesterday, a
biopsy from another Mr. Ward arrived as well, and we are now uncertain
which one is your husband's. Frankly the results are either bad or
terrible."

"What do you mean?" Mrs. Ward asks nervously.

"Well, one of the specimens tested positive for Alzheimer's and the
other one tested positive for AIDS. We can't tell which is your
husbands."

"That's dreadful! Can't you do the test again?" questioned Mrs. Ward.

"Normally we can, but Medicare will only pay for these expensive tests
one time."

"Well, what am I supposed to do now?"

"The people at Medicare recommend that you drop your husband off
somewhere in the middle of town. If he finds his way home, don't
have sex with him."

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Sitting on the side of the highway waiting to catch speeders, a
State Policeman sees a car puttering along at 22 miles per hour.
He thinks to himself, "This driver is just as dangerous as a
speeder!" So he turns on his lights and pulls the driver over.

Approaching the car, he notices that there are five old ladies -
two in the front and three in the back of the car - wide-eyed and
white as ghosts.

The driver obviously confused, says to him, "Officer, I don't
understand, I was doing exactly the speed limit! What seems to be
the problem?"

"Ma'am," The officer replies, "you weren't speeding, but you
should know that driving slower than the speed limit can also be
a danger to other drivers."

"Slower than the speed limit? No sir, I was doing the speed limit
exactly -- twenty-two miles an hour" the old woman said proudly.

The State Police officer, trying to contain a chuckle explains to
her that "22" was the route number, not the speed limit. A bit
embarrassed, the woman grinned and thanked the officer for
pointing out her error.

"But before I let you go, Ma'am", the officer says, "I have to
ask...Is everyone in this car OK?  These women seem awfully
shaken and they haven't muttered a single peep this whole time."

"Oh, they'll be all right in a minute, officer. We just got off
Route 119."

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A husband and wife are shopping in their local Wal-Mart.

The husband picks up a case of Budweiser and puts it in their cart.

'What do you think you're doing?' asks the wife.

'They're on sale, only $10 for 24 cans,' he replies.

'Put them back, we can't afford them,' demands the wife, and
so they carry on shopping.

A few aisles further on along the woman picks up a $20 jar of
face cream and puts it in the basket.

'What do you think you're doing?' asks the husband.

'It's my face cream. It makes me look sexy and beautiful for you
when we're making love,' replies the wife.

Her husband retorts: 'So does 24 cans of Budweiser ... at half the price.'

On the PA system: 'Cleanup needed on aisle 25, we have a husband
down.

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Click here to download:

FrenchMissile.wmv (955 KB)

uhhh.. well..

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