Humor

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Jungle_alcolo.wmv (5850 KB)

Some animals just kinda romping around, maybe they got into the godo stuff.

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Once upon a time in a place overrun with monkeys, a man appeared and
announced to the villagers that he would buy monkeys for $10 each.

The villagers, seeing that there were many monkeys around, went out to the
forest, and started catching them. The man bought thousands at $10 and as
supply started to diminish, they became harder to catch, so the villagers
stopped their effort.

The man then announced that he would now pay $20 for each one. This renewed
the efforts of the villagers and they started catching monkeys again. But
soon the supply diminished even further and they were ever harder to catch,
so people started going back to their farms and forgot about monkey
catching. The man increased his price to $25 each and the supply of monkeys
became so sparse that it was an effort to even see a monkey, much less catch
one.

The man now announced that he would buy monkeys for $50! However, since he
had to go to the city on some business, his assistant would now buy on his
behalf.

While the man was away the assistant told the villagers. "Look at all these
monkeys in the big cage that the man has bought. I will sell them to you at
$35 each and when the man returns from the city, you can sell them to him
for $50 each."

The villagers rounded up all their savings and bought all the monkeys. They
never saw the man nor his assistant again and once again there were monkeys
everywhere.

Now you have a better understanding of how the stock market works.

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This story happened a while ago in Dublin , and even though it sounds like an Alfred Hitchcock tale, it's true!!!!!

Seamus McGinty, a Dublin  pub denizen, was on the side of the road hitchhiking on a very dark night and in the midst of a big storm. The night was rolling on and no car went by. The storm was so strong he could hardly see a few feet ahead of him. Suddenly, he saw a car slowly coming towards him and stopped. John, desperate for shelter and without thinking about it, got into the car and closed the door only to realize there was nobody behind the wheel and the engine wasn't on.

The car started moving slowly. John looked at the road ahead and saw a curve approaching.. Scared, he started to pray, begging for his life. Then, just before the car hit the curve, a hand appeared out of nowhere through the window, and turned the wheel. John, paralyzed with terror, watched as the hand came through the window, but never touched or harmed him.

Shortly thereafter, John saw the lights of a pub appear down the road, so, gathering strength, he jumped out of the car and ran to it. Wet and out of breath, he rushed inside and started telling everybody about the horrible experience he had just had. A silence enveloped the pub when everybody realized he was crying and....wasn't drunk.

Suddenly, the door opened, and two other people walked in from the dark and stormy night. They, like John, were also soaked and out of breath. Looking around, and seeing John Bradford sobbing at the bar, one said to the other. "Look, Paddy! There's that fooking idiot that got in the car while we were pushin' it!"

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If you ever testify in court, you might wish you could have
been as sharp as this policeman. He was being
cross-examined by a defense attorney during a felony trial.  
The lawyer was trying to undermine the policeman's
credibility...

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Heidi is the proprietor of a bar in Berlin . In order to increase sales, she decides to allow her loyal customers - most of whom are unemployed alcoholics - to drink now but pay later. She keeps track of the drinks consumed on a ledger (thereby granting the customers loans).

Word gets around and as a result increasing numbers of customers flood into Heidi's bar.

Taking advantage of her customers' freedom from immediate payment constraints, Heidi increases her prices for wine and beer, the most-consumed beverages. Her sales volume increases massively

A young and dynamic customer service consultant at the local bank recognizes these customer debts as valuable future assets and increases Heidi's borrowing limit.

He sees no reason for undue concern because he has the promissory notes of Heidi's customers as collateral.

At the bank's corporate headquarters, expert bankers transform these customer assets into DRINKBONDS, ALKBONDS and PUKEBONDS. These securities are then sold and traded on markets worldwide. No one really understands what these abbreviations mean and how the securities are guaranteed. Nevertheless, as their prices continuously climb, the securities become top-selling items.

One day, although the prices are still climbing, a risk manager of the bank, (subsequently fired due to his negativity), decided that the time has come to start demanding payment from Heidi for the debts incurred by the drinkers at Heidi's bar.

Unfortunately Heidi's customers cannot pay back any of their debts to Heidi.

Heidi cannot fulfill her loan obligations to the bank and claims bankruptcy.

DRINKBOND and ALKBOND drop in price by 95%. PUKEBOND performs better, stabilizing in price after dropping by only 80%.

The suppliers of Heidi's bar, having granted her generous payment terms and also having invested in the securities are faced with a new and desperate situation. Her wine supplier claims bankruptcy and her beer supplier is taken over by a competitor.

The bank is saved by the Government following dramatic round-the-clock consultations by leaders from the governing political parties. They came up with a miraculous rescue plan that saved the bank.

The funds required for this massive rescue are obtained by levying a new tax on all the non-drinkers.

Finally an explanation I understand....

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I got these from my friend Randy Singer. He does a humor list and occasionally sends out some more serious stuff. While these photos are rather humorous just shows that the animals that we share the planet with know who to trust and who to look out for. Amazing photos and some rather funny. enjoy.

                                           

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Why_Kids_and_Animals_Should_be.zip (847 KB)

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poledance.wmv (723 KB)

Ok its been around the Net now as of late.. but had to have it here...'

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               Friendship among  Women:
               A woman  didn't come home one night. The next morning
               She told her  husband that she had slept over at a
               friend's house. The  man called his wife's 10 best
               Friends. None of them knew  anything about it.

               Friendship among Men:
               A  man didn't come home one night. The next morning he
               Told  his wife that he had slept over at a friend's
               House. The  woman called her husband's 10 best friends.
               Eight  confirmed that he had slept over, and two said he was
               still  there.

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Q: How do you start a small business these days?
A: Simple, buy a big one and wait.

 The credit crunch is getting bad, isn't it?
I mean, I let my brother borrow a tenner a couple of weeks back.
It turns out I'm now North Carolina's fourth biggest lender.

Q: What is the difference between an investment banker and a pigeon?
A: A pigeon can still make a deposit on a BMW.

Q: What is the difference between an investment banker and a large pizza?
A: The pizza can still feed a family of four.

I tried to get cash from the ATM today but the screen said "insufficient funds."
I don't know if that meant them or me.

Mark Twain was ahead of the curve:
"October is one of the peculiarly dangerous months to speculate in stocks .
The other months are November, December, January, February, March, April, May, June, July, August, and September."

The stock market may be terrible, but I slept just like a baby last night:
I woke up every couple of hours and cried.

I'm convinced that this financial downturn is worse than a divorce.
I've lost half my assets but I still have my wife.

One of these days, I'm going to borrow enough money to get completely out of debt.  [Just like Uncle Sam...]

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The IRS decides to audit Grandpa, and summons him to the IRS office.

The IRS auditor was not surprised when Grandpa showed up with his attorney.

The auditor said, 'Well, sir, you have an extravagant lifestyle and no
full-time employment, Which you explain by saying that you win money
gambling. I'm not sure the IRS finds that believable.'

I'm a great gambler, and I can prove it,' says Grandpa. 'How about
a demonstration?'

The auditor thinks for a moment and said, 'Okay. Go ahead.'

Grandpa says, 'I'll bet you a thousand dollars that I can bite my own
eye.'

The auditor thinks a moment and says, 'It's a bet.'

Grandpa removes his glass eye and bites it. The auditor's jaw drops.

Grandpa says, 'Now, I'll bet you two thousand dollars that I can bite
my other eye.'

Now the auditor can tell Grandpa isn't blind, so he takes the bet.

Grandpa removes his dentures and bites his good eye.

The stunned auditor now realizes he has wagered and lost three grand, with
Grandpa's attorney as a witness. He starts to get nervous.

'Want to go double or nothing?' Grandpa asks 'I'll bet you six
thousand dollars that I can stand on one side of your desk, and pee into that
wastebasket on the other side, and never get a drop anywhere in between.'

The auditor, twice burned, is cautious now, but he looks carefully and
decides there's no way this old guy could possibly manage that stunt, so he
agrees again.

Grandpa stands beside the desk and unzips his pants, but although he strains
mightily, he can't make the stream reach the wastebasket on the other side,
so he pretty much urinates all over the auditor's desk.

The auditor leaps with joy, realizing that he has just turned a major loss
into a huge win.

But Grandpa's own attorney moans and puts his head in his hands.

'Are you okay?' the auditor asks.

'Not really,' says the attorney. 'This morning, when Grandpa told
me he'd been summoned for an audit, he bet me twenty-five thousand dollars that he
could come in here and pee all over your desk and that you'd be happy about
it!'

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