A lady goes to the bar on a cruise ship and orders a Scotch with two drops of water. As the bartender gives her the drink she says,

'I'm on this cruise to celebrate my 80th birthday and it's today..'

The bartender says, 'Well, since it's your birthday, I'll buy you a drink.  In fact, this one is on me.'

As the woman finishes her drink, the woman to her right says, 'I would like to buy you a drink, too.'

The old woman says, 'Thank you. Bartender, I want a Scotch with two drops of water.'

'Coming up,' says the bartender

As she finishes that drink, the man to her left says, 'I would like to buy you one, too.'

The old woman says, 'Thank you. Bartender, I want another Scotch with two drops of water.'

'Coming right up,' the bartender says.

As he gives her the drink, he says, 'Ma'am, I'm dying of curiosity. Why the Scotch with only two drops of water?'

The old woman replies, 'Sonny, when you're my age, you've learned how to hold your liquor. Holding your water, however, is a whole other issue.'

RETIRED/BORED HUSBAND

After I retired, my wife insisted that I accompany her on her trips to Target.Unfortunately, like most men, I found shopping boring and preferred to get in and get out. Equally unfortunate, my wife is like most women - she loves to browse.

Yesterday my dear wife received the following letter from the local Target:

Dear Mrs. Harris, Over the past six months, your husband has caused quite a commotion in our store. We cannot tolerate this behavior and have been forced to ban both of you from the store. Our complaints against your husband, Mr.Harris, are listed below and are documented by our video surveillancecameras:

1. June 15: He took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in other people's carts when they weren't looking.

2. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute intervals.

3. July 7: He made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the women's restroom.

4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official voice, 'Code 3 in Housewares. Get on it right away'. This caused the employee to leave her assigned station and receive a reprimand from her Supervisor that in turn resulted with a union grievance, causing management to lose time and costing the company money.

5. August 4: Went to the Service Desk and tried to put a bag of M&Ms on layaway

6. August 14: Moved a'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.

7. August 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told the children shoppers he'd invite them in if they would bring pillows and blankets from the bedding department to which twenty children obliged.

8. August 23: When a clerk asked if they could help him he began crying and screamed, 'Why can't you people just leave me alone?'EMTs were called.

9.. September 4: Looked right into the security camera and used it as a mirror while he picked his nose.

10. September 10:While handling guns in the hunting department, he asked the clerk where the antidepressants were.

11. October 3: Darted around the Store suspiciously while loudly humming the ' Mission Impossible' theme.

12. October 6: In the auto department, he practiced his 'Madonna look' by using different sizes of funnels on his chest.

13. October 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed through, he yelled 'PICK ME! PICK ME!'

14. October 22: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he assumed a fetal position and screamed 'OH NO! IT'S THOSE VOICES AGAIN!'

15. Took a box of condoms to the check out clerk and asked where the fitting room was?

And last, but not least:

16. October 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited awhile, and then yelled very loudly, 'Hey! There's no toilet paper in here.

One of the clerks passed out.

I would like to share an important experience with you about drinking and driving, especially during the holiday season.

As we all know, some of ‘us’ have been known to have had situations with the police on our way home from parties once in a while over the years.

Well, I am proud to report that finally I have done something about it.

Why, just a couple of nights ago I was out for a few drinks with some co-workers, and apparently I had a few too many whiskeys, as well as beers, and some rather nice bitters.

But knowing very well that I may have been slightly ‘over the limit’, I did something I've never done before - I took a bus home.

Well sir, I arrived back safely and without any problems … which was a real surprise … since I had never driven a bus before, and have no idea where I got this one.

Husband and wife are busy setting up a password for their new Computer.
The husband types in password as "my pen..s", his Wife falls down to the ground laughing,
because the computer said,
"Error: password Not long enough" :D

A blonde goes into work one morning crying her eyes out.
Her boss asked sympathetically, 'What's the matter?'
The blonde replies,
'Early this morning I got a phone call saying that
My mother had passed away.'
The boss, feeling sorry for her, says,
'Why don't you go home for the
Day? Take the day off to relax & rest.'
'Thanks, but I'd be better off here.
I need to keep my mind off it &
I have the best chance of doing that here.'
The boss agrees & allows the blonde to work as usual.
A couple of hours pass & the boss decides to check on the blonde.
He looks out from his office & sees the blonde crying hysterically...
'Are you gonna be okay?' he asks.
'No!' exclaims the blonde.
'I just received a horrible call from my
sister. Her mother died, too!'

Lynn & Judy were doing some carpenter work
on a Habitat for Humanity House.
Lynn was nailing down house siding,
would reach into her nail -
Pouch, pull out a nail & either toss it
over her shoulder or nail it in.
Judy, figuring this was worth looking into, asked, '
Why are you Throwing those nails away?'
Lynn explained, 'When I pull a nail out of my pouch,
about half of Them have the head on the wrong end
& I throw them away.'
Judy got completely upset & yelled,
'You moron! Those nails aren't Defective!
They're for the other side of the house!'

Two blondes were sipping their Starbucks when a truck went past loaded up with rolls of sod.

"I'm going to do that when I win the lottery," announced Blonde #1.

"Do what?" asked Blonde #2.

"Send my lawn out to be mowed."

A  couple living in Palm Beach were planning a dinner party for some very important dignitaries.  Naturally, the wife was very excited and wanted everything to be just so.  At the very last minute, however, she realized that she had forgotten to order escargot, so she asked her husband to run down to the beach with a bucket to gather up some snails.

Very grudgingly, he agreed.  Bucket in hand, he walked out the door, down the steps, and out to the beach.  As he was collecting the snails, he noticed a beautiful woman strolling alongside the water about fifty yards further down the beach.  He thought to himself, "Wouldn't it be wonderful if she would  just come over and talk to me?" He went back to gathering snails. Suddenly he looked up, and the beautiful woman was standing there, right next to him.

They got to talking. Soon, he accepted her invitation to accompany her to her apartment, about a hundred yards down the beach.  Snail bucket in hand, he followed her to her apartment.  They had a few drinks and soon started messing around.  One thing led to another and he soon found his fantasies realized, after which he passed out.

When he awoke, he looked at his watch and, to his surprise, realized it was 7:00 am!  Exclaiming, "Oh, no!!!  My wife's dinner party,"  he quickly dressed, grabbed the bucket full of snails, and ran out the door.  He ran up the beach all the way to his home.  Climbing the steps to the porch, he dropped the bucket of snails--there were snails everywhere!  Just then, the door opened, revealing a very angry wife wondering where he'd been all night. Without a pause, he looked at the snails all down the steps, looked at her, then back at the snails, and said,

"Come on, guys, we're almost there!"

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